Before I can answer this question, I have some serious questions for you.
Are you sure you want your ex-boyfriend back?
Are you really sure you want your ex-boyfriend back?
Are you really, really sure you want your ex-boyfriend back?

Why do you want him back?

I am not kidding – answer those questions honestly and spend some time thinking about them before you read any further. I’m assuming your boyfriend dumped you, or else why would you be even considering getting him back? And if he dumped you, why would you want anything to do with him again? Go out and find somebody better, or just spend some time getting to know yourself better.

Let me approach the question another way. Is it a good idea to ignore your ex-boyfriend if you don’t want him back?

The answer to both questions is YES.

It’s a good idea to ignore your ex-boyfriend, period. Whether you want him back or not.

After you break up with someone, it is very important to ignore them. Immediately after a breakup, you can’t possibly think straight or be honest with yourself because you’re feeling so upset and confused. You owe yourself some time to get yourself together, to grieve for the relationship you’ve lost, to express your anger and frustration in a healthy and non-embarrassing way, and to figure out what you want to do next.

That’s why I recommend at least a full month – that’s 30 days – of no contact at all with your ex.

And this silent period is not a gimmick. It’s not some trick designed to make him miss you more and come crawling back. This silent period is a gift you give to yourself after a breakup. You give yourself a whole month where you focus on yourself. No soap opera drama, no humiliating begging or crying, no screaming and fighting.

During this month you can do whatever you need. Stay home, draw the curtains and cry for a couple of days if you want. Break dishes, punch pillows, scream, write down everything you feel and destroy the paper afterwards. Express your emotions.

But also during this silent period you should look to the future. Remind yourself that you are a good, fun, interesting person and that you can enjoy life even without your boyfriend. Take a class at your local community college or night school or rec center. Learn to cook or sail or ski or skydive or try Japanese ikebana flower arranging or try watercolor painting. Anything that will get you using your mind and meeting other interesting people who like to use their minds. Stay out of bars, because people don’t go there to use their minds.

Plan a vacation trip with some of your friends or by yourself, if you want. Even a short road trip, a couple of nights out of town, will change your perspective. [Related: How to Get Through a Bad Breakup]

Join a gym and start working out, or sign up for a new group exercise class at the gym you already belong to. Exercise almost always makes you feel better. Do not start anything as silly as a revenge diet. And don’t go to the gym just to get back at your ex. Go for yourself.

During this silent period, you will also be ignoring your ex-boyfriend. Which is the right thing to do if you want him back and if you don’t. And the month of no contact will also let your toxic anger, sadness and other emotions run their course and let you think more clearly about what you want. [Related: Why Ignoring Your Ex Will Help You Get Them Back]

But assuming you still want him back (are you really sure?), the best thing you can do is exactly what you’ve been doing – ignore him so he wonders how you’re doing, what you’re up to, and at the same time go out and have fun and enjoy life so you become a happier, more attractive person.

What makes you attractive, to your ex-boyfriend or anybody else, is your smile, your laugh, your happy personality and enjoyment of life. Trust me. And by letting your ex-boyfriend stew in silence for a whole month while you go out and enjoy life and learn to laugh again, you are giving yourself the best chance of a new relationship, whether it’s with him or with a new guy you met in your cooking class.

Going through all these plethora of emotions can get really daunting, regardless of whether it’s your first or nth time to break up with someone, it always hurts! Help me help you do the right things and give you strength before you send that message to him. Talk to me via my one-on-one coaching program right now.