We’ve all been brainwashed by Hollywood into thinking the best way to get your ex back is to shower them with attention, to show them how thoughtful and amazing and caring you are, to overwhelm them with some grand gift or gesture. But this behavior is more likely to drive them away, since you will seem like you’re obsessed, or even a stalker.
Sure, that’s now how it happens in the movies. But I’ve got some news for you. There’s no Santa Claus, either. Movies aren’t an accurate reflection of reality. Standing outside your ex-girlfriend’s window in the rain at night, singing and playing your guitar might work in the movies, but in reality, it’s going to wake her up and annoy her neighbors, who will either throw stuff at you or call the cops.
So forget the stunts. Forget the endless stream of pleading, “please take me back, I can’t live without you” text messages. Don’t send chocolates – keep them and eat them yourself.
Experts agree (and anyone who’s studied human psychology) that absence does make the heart grow fonder. That’s why the best thing for you to do after a breakup is to ignore, ignore, and keep ignoring your ex. This is great advice whether you hope to get back together with them or whether you never want to see that lying, cheating so-and-so again. In either case, ignoring them is best.
Why? Well, if you maintain a month of silence at least, it gives you time to get yourself together. You won’t be thinking with your crazy, demented, rebound brain anymore. And you’ll have had time to go out and enjoy life, to take a class or join a club, to travel, take a holiday, to work out at the gym. All those things will make you a happier, more interesting and exciting person who is more attractive to others.
That’s a good thing if you hope to get back together with your ex, and it’s also a good thing if you don’t, as it will make you more attractive to possible future partners when you’re ready to date again. [RELATED: How to Stop Dating Losers and Find the Perfect Man ]
But let’s assume for now that you still hope to win your ex back. You might consider why they broke up with you – I assume, since you’re trying to get them back, that it was they who pulled the trigger, otherwise if you want them back, why did you break up with them?
Your ex probably broke up with you for a common reason – loss of attraction and passion in the relationship, or boredom, or because they weren’t satisfied by something about you. Yes, I am telling you the opposite of what they probably said. They said, “It’s not about you, it’s about me.” But trust me, it was about you. They were just trying to protect your feelings or not feel bad about themselves.
Just because they were unhappy with something about you or your relationship doesn’t mean you have no hope of ever winning them back. People change, and you can change, too. The plan I’ve outlined above and elsewhere – go out and live your life, go on dates, learn new things, have new experiences, visit new places – will change you. It will make you more confident, happy, and interesting, all attractive factors.
If your ex left you because of boredom or a loss of attraction in your relationship, a period of silence and no contact will erase the memory of that boredom or familiarity. You will seem new and interesting when you eventually do get back in contact. During that period of silence, your ex will have been thinking about you a lot.
Now, no matter what you do in the first month after a breakup, your ex will be thinking a lot about you. That’s human nature. But what do you want them to be thinking about you? If you want them to be annoyed and constantly reminded that you are clingy or immature or something else negative, then go ahead and send fifty text messages per day, begging them to see you or criticizing them for hurting you, or generally coming across as a pathetic person. Pathetic people evoke sympathy, but not attraction.
If you’d rather your ex be thinking different things about you, wondering what you’re up to, wondering if you think about them or want them back, wondering if you’ve already moved on, then observe that radio silence. Let their imagination run wild. Trust me. They will soon start to wonder why you aren’t communicating with them. And that will do more than anything you can say or do to get them interested again.
When you do finally break the silence in a careful, non-demanding way, when you start to share some tidbits of the new you who has been having all these fun adventures, then your ex will have a chance to rethink what they did.
[RELATED: How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend to Reply to Your Text Messages ]
Click here to watch an excellent video about how to use the ‘no contact’ strategy in your situation.
Hi Lisa, thanks for the good advice!!! just hoping you can help me… im wondering what to do cause my ex’s graduation is right in the middle of no contact. should I text him or call him to say congrats or what?