For most people, talking to their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend for the first time after the breakup is terrifying and stressful. Yes, it can be hilarious as a scene in a movie – the guy or girl with a heart of gold stuttering and stammering through a phone conversation, or making a complete bumbling ass of themselves when they bump into their ex on the street. But that’s only funny when it’s not you!

couple talkingThat’s one reason I always recommend the safe method of breaking the silence – text messaging. A text is much, much safer than calling your ex. You can’t stammer or forget what to say, or sound pathetic or clingy as easily in a text as in person on the phone. It’s much harder, ladies and gentlemen, to shove your foot in your own mouth by text message. Be grateful you live in a technological era where you have that option. [RELATED: How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend to Reply to Your Text Messages ]

However, if you want to call your ex on the phone, stick to the same basic rules as I’ve outlined elsewhere about text messages. First, make sure it’s been at least a month since the breakup and that you’ve kept that period of silence. That quiet period, where you don’t communicate with your ex at all, is important both for you and for them.

For you, it gives you a chance to recover from the emotions of being dumped, to think about the relationship and why it didn’t work. It gives you a chance, too, to go out and have some fun, go on dates, go to parties, take a trip, and so on. Remind yourself that you’re a decent person, that you have a life, that you know how to be happy and have fun. That way, if you decide to try and win back your ex, you come across as a happy, attractive person, rather than a pathetic wreck, attractive to no one.

That period of silence also gives your ex a chance to cool off and to wonder what you’re up to, why you haven’t communicated. That way, when you finally do establish contact again, it’s a pleasant surprise. Taking the initiative to establish communication with an ex after a significant period of no communication is the next step in winning your ex back.

texting exA great way to make that first phone call to your ex is to do it at a time when he or she isn’t likely to answer. If the call goes to voice mail, you can leave a carefully prepared, neutral, friendly message. “I saw that a new Italian restaurant is opening up in the neighborhood. You might want to check it out, since I know you love Italian food! Hope you’re doing well.”

That’s a great message. It lets your ex know you were reminded of them, reminded of something good in your relationship – eating out at good restaurants – and it is a message with no expectations. You aren’t asking your ex to call you back. You don’t want anything. That’s what the “Hope you’re doing well” is all about. Not, “I can’t wait to hear from you,” or “Talk to you soon.” Maybe you want to talk to them soon, but now is not the time to say it.

Of course, that call might not go to voice mail. You should be prepared for that. Consider a less risky text message. But if your ex picks up, keep the conversation light, friendly, and upbeat. Have a specific question in mind that is easy to answer. “Hey! I have a friend who loves Korean food and I wanted to take them to that place we once ate at, but I can’t remember what it was called…” A simple, honest request for information. Keep the conversation short. Say you’re busy or in a crowd and can’t talk long.

Things not to say include “I miss you and I can’t stop thinking about you!” or “I haven’t been sleeping and I feel terrible.” I don’t care if these things are true. They are more likely to remind your ex of why they left you – perhaps you’re too negative, or whiny, or angry, or clingy. Don’t go there.

Need more sample text messages to send to your ex? Watch this free video presentation to learn more about using texts to win back your ex’s heart. (Trust me, it’s definitely worth watching!)

If you’re sure you want your ex back, then start with simple, friendly, neutral communication – nothing about your old relationship, why you broke up, how unhappy you feel. Think twice before attempting to make them jealous because it could backfire. You’ll only get your ex back by showing them you aren’t that person they dumped. Instead, you want to emphasize your positive, happy, attractive qualities. That holds true for whatever method of communication you choose to re-establish contact.

Good luck!