This is a common problem I’m asked to help solve – why is my ex sending me mixed signals?
After a breakup, your ex may often send you confusing signals. They may be very angry one day, then sweet and gentle the next. It can drive you insane trying to figure out what they want and why they’re doing it.
One day, your ex may want to see you. The next they may be throwing your possessions into a pile and setting fire to them!
People can be crazy. But stop to think about it for a moment. How did you feel right after you broke up with your ex? This is why keeping a diary can be helpful, even a short one, after a breakup. You write a few brief notes each day about how you’re feeling, and about what you’re thinking about your ex. You can go back and look at your own confused feelings and see that it’s all perfectly normal to feel differently on different days, particularly after a wrenching emotional experience like a breakup.
One day you may write how much you miss your ex, the next you may write how angry you are at them, or how much you hate them.
Turn this around, and you’ll begin to understand why your ex is sending you crazy signals, telling you, “I miss you!” on Monday and “I wish you’d never been born!” by Wednesday. Your ex is a human being going through a tough time.
Your ex could even regret breaking up with you and could be hoping to get back together. But it’s too soon to say. [RELATED: How to Win Your Ex Back ]
So, you ask, how do I handle these weird mixed messages from my ex?
The nice thing is that you should handle “I miss you” and “I hate you” the same way – with no response at all.
Because both of you are going through hell, struggling with crazy waves of emotions, it’s vital for you to keep away from each other and to not communicate. And since you have no control at all over your ex, you must strictly observe this silent period yourself. I suggest a full month.
Your ex may send you plenty of mixed messages during this time. But you should not respond, especially to texts or phone messages or letters left or written in the heat of the moment. That won’t help. Even if your ex says something provocative or cruel, you ignore it. Take the high road. Just because someone throws a turd in front of you, you don’t have to pick it up. Those angry or emotional messages are turds, and if you pick them up, you have only yourself to blame.
Taking that month off will give you a chance to clear your head and your heart. It will also give your ex a chance to do the same – to vent whatever rage they may be feeling, or sadness, or whatever. If they still miss you after a month of silence, then that might mean something. Not before.
After that safe month of silence, you can ask yourself whether you are still interested in a relationship with your ex. If you’ve been going out and living your life and having fun, perhaps taking a trip or learning something new, then you will be in a much better place to answer that question honestly. Maybe the answer is no, and that’s fine. Be honest with yourself.
If you do decide you want to try again with your ex, then it’s OK to resume contact, though you must do it carefully. I suggest some casual, non-threatening, non-demanding text messages. Once they reply, you can start from there. Remember to be careful and not to over-analyze the messages you are getting from your ex. Saying “I miss you” means “I miss you.” That’s it. It doesn’t mean “I want to get back together with you and have a serious relationship.” It doesn’t mean “I want to sleep with you.” It doesn’t mean “I love you.” [RELATED: How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend to Reply to Your Text Messages ]
That month of silence – while vital for giving you both the best chance of moving on in a healthy way or of starting over on the best foundation – isn’t a silver bullet that will make mixed messages go away. People who are married and love each other very much still send mixed messages. Don’t get me wrong.
Try to be honest with your ex if you start renewing your relationship, and try to listen honestly to them. All of us send mixed messages sometimes, because we’re all mixed up human beings. But the messages right after a breakup will be more mixed than ever, and that’s why it’s best not to engage with your ex during that time.
- TIP: take this free quiz to figure out whether or not you still have a chance at getting back together with your ex.
Hi Lisa, I’m Craig! My ex girlfriend added me on Facebook after being broken up for two years. When I accepted her friend requested, she immediately blocked me!! She is still dating someone though and from what I know, her boyfriend is jealous of me. I live in another country and we first met while on a trip, but it was a serious relationship. Why bother adding me up on Facebook in the first place though? I’m ready to be friends because I’ve already moved on, but her behavior was strange.
Hi Craig, I agree, that was strange behavior coming from her. If anything, it seems like she’s letting her presence known again after all these years! I won’t think too much about it, though. Let her work for your attention next time… and don’t accept the friend request right away if the situation comes up again in the future. 🙂
Is it a good sign if say, it’s been over a month since the breakup and then an ex agrees to go out with you and you both had fun…. but then goes completely silent afterwards? Please tell me what you think since this is all still so very confusing…
What happened during the breakup? Was there contact between you two? If you had contact with him during this period, then how was it like? I don’t recommend any type of contact during this time frame, so I hope you had cut off communication. Anyway you can try to reach out to him now and see how he responds. Do not initiate the friendly date if you were the one to initiate it the last time you saw each other, okay. Just be cool and don’t text him everyday. If the opposite happened and he was the one to initiate the get-together, then this time it’s safe to say that you can initiate. Never chase him no matter what happens and always, always let him chase you. 🙂
hello, please answer my question. I have a crazy situation goin’ on. see, my ex told me he wanted to marry me a few weeks before the breakup. then he contacted me to tell me that we not right for each other and that he never wanna see me again! i can hardly eat and sleep because of this and i got very depressed. will he come back after he clears his head? because right now i am confused as well, felt like everything he told me was lies and i believed them! i feel bad for bein’ played for a fool when in fact, i trusted him in our years together. i never complained, i always try to be the right girl for him and he says he sees me with him in the future, but now this tellin’ me that we’re not right for each other?
we were together for almost seven years this november and i stood by him. how could he do this to me?! it’s only three weeks after the breakup before he sent that message of us not bein’ “right” for each other. we’ve had many breakups before but nothin’ like this where he keeps avoiding me like a plague… i’m scared of losin’ the man i love for good. what do i do? please help.thank you very much! i’d appreciate your reply as soon as possible.
Hannah, dear, I totally get what you mean, but please remember that you also need to take care of yourself first. Read this article again, exes behaving oddly shortly after a breakup is very common, and that’s why you need to stay away from him first. I guess you need to do the same, because you seem so distraught about the breakup and don’t worry, it’s completely normal. Give him time to heal and avoid talking to him as much as possible. You’ve been together for seven years and girl, he will miss you whether he shows it or not! Just don’t forget to eat and sleep. Nurture yourself because this is the time when you need to do that the most, all right. 🙂 Right now it’s too soon to be judging whether this breakup is temporary or not, but don’t forget to do the right things and soon you’ll see you’ll be rewarded. Never contact him first and don’t forget to heal. Take care!
Hi Lisa. Yeah, my soon to be ex husband who left me for another woman (which he later denied having an affair with) sent me a text message Christmas eve telling me he missed me and our 3 boys and would like to talk more about it in a few days. I’ve been hinting to him for him to come back home since it’s already almost 5 months since he left and the kids are looking for him but I guess he’s just all words and no action always telling me we’ll talk about it later. Btw, I filed for divorce already in August which he later counter filed denying the affair. I didn’t want it in the first place but I had to since he closed bank accounts and divided bills and for him to give support to his kids. But how do you handle this situation with kids involved? I really want to have no contact with him but sometimes I get carried away by my emotions for him that I break down then get hurt and disappointed. Please give me advise and possible please email me. Thanks.